Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
