If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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