1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
