Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
