I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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