You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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