i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
