i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
