I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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