i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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