I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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