corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
