What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
