Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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