i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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