so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
