My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
