At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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