I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
