Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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