Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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