last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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