After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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