I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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