eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
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