i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
