We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
