I think im going to throw up on grandma
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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