Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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