babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
