Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
