My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
