I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
