Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
