i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
