if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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