i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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