I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
