I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
