I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
