The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
