We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize