Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
