Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
