hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just google imaged poop.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
