Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
