dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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