yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
