I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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