Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
