fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
