Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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